Random Happening With the Cullens
by the light before the darkness
Summary: What the title says, I'm bad a summeries.
1. Chapter 1

**How to Meet All the Cullens**

By: Beth Bougie

So, you want to meet the Cullens do ya? And you say you want to meet them all at once? No problem, easy as pie. That's why I created this story, to help _you _realize your dreams.

So, you just happen to be walking around the town of Forks, Washington and you spot Emmett Cullen, standing on his own, no Rosalie to stop you. What you're going to want to do is run up to him and give him the biggest bear hug you can possibly give and most likely causing him to hug you back and break your ribs from his overpowering strength.

As you lie on the ground writhing in pain Alice will come running up because she had been a couple miles away trying to get there to stop you before you got yourself in a world of pain. Soon after Carlisle will show up to help fix up your ribs dragging Jasper along with him so that he can calm you down. Esme will then show up to tell you that everything is going to be okay. Rosalie will come running up after hearing what happened because she is worried about Emmett, because you can cause _so _much damage to strong and nearly invincible vampire with your wimpy arms, and because another girl has been touching her man and she is ready to kill said girl but then realizes that the job has basically already been done for her. Finally, Bella and Edward will show up because Bella was worried about even though you are a complete stranger and Edward is there because Bella is there and he is overly protective of her and need's to get over the whole fact that yes, bad luck is going to follow her everywhere and there is no way he can stop it until he changes her. So deal with it Edward, deal with it.

…Now you want Jacob in the mix? God you're picky. This might take some thinking…

Okay, so then Jacob shows up because he heard about a vampire "attacking" a human which is a violation of the treaty. And then Emmett had to explain that he had randomly come up and glomped him and he was only showing how much he cared for his "fans" not knowing that the only reason that you glomped him was because you wanted to meet all the Cullens at once…and Jacob. Can't forget about Jacob.

Now that you have learned how to meet the Cullens…and Jacob you should be good to go. The next chapter will be on how to anger Edward so don't miss it, it should be a rousing good time.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story except for the made up ones. I also own the whole plot line thingy to this.

Please R&R!!


	2. Chapter 2

**How to Anger an Edward**

So you liked the last chapter did you? Well, good, because I have another chapter for you, except this one is how to anger the rare species called Edward Cullen. There are actually ten top ways to anger this species so let's get down to it.

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The number ten way is to make him wear a dress. To do this you could:

Get him to play Truth or Dare and conceal your thoughts so he doesn't know what you are thinking, this might take some practice.

Get him when he is to busy worrying about/kissing Bella, you might want to get Emmett to help you keep him in place while you get him in the dress, you might also want to get Bella in on this so she can properly distract him.

To put the cherry on the cake, you're going to want to force him to stand in front of his family, Bella, and the werewolves to get him really angry, it really only needs to be one of the werewolves, best choice would be Jacob, because he would be thinking about this for quite a long time and with their cool mind connection thingie, all of them will see it sooner or later. And if you want to add sprinkles to that cake, you could put him in a very girlie, frilly dress.

The number nine way is to scream sing "It's a Small World" over and over again in your head so that he goes mad from song overload and every time he tries to think of a song to put Bella to sleep all he can think of is "It's a Small World".

The number eight way is to take away his CD collection and replace it with songs by Fergie, from High School Musical 1&2, CD's with only the song "Umbrella" by Rihanna on them, and Snoop Dog. This should make him really pissed and Emmett very happy.

The number seven way is to paint his vanquish…hot pink. Get Alice and Emmett to help you, they should enjoy it. And, every time he tries to repaint it just go back out there and paint it again and again and again until he finally gives up. The first time he sees it he will most likely be ready to kill you and feed you to the wolves…werewolves that is, but you will probably get a good laugh from Bella though.

The number six way is to take his shampoo and replace it with neon orange hair dye…if you can find it. When he finally notices, which might be a while depending on how well his family can conceal their thoughts, he will be royally pissed and probably break the treaty just to come and suck the life out of you.

The number five way is to take all of his nice conservative clothes out of his closet and replace them all with very revealing clothes. Make sure you tell everyone in his family not to let him borrow any of their clothes, otherwise it won't work. When he comes to school wearing one of the outfits you 

'kindly' provided him, you will be greatly rewarded with lots of glimpses of his hot bod, even if you do get killed afterward.

The number four way is to take Bella's shampoo and replace it with werewolf smelling shampoo. This should cause him to go into a rampage of fury, thinking that Jacob has violated Bella's personal space again. When he finds out it's your fault you probably won't last long, but you would have been able to enjoy watching Jacob run around screaming like a little girl while being chased by a furious Edward.

The number three way is to restrain him and put his hair into mini ponytails. You are going to want to enlist the help of Emmett to restrain him and use crazy glue so that he cannot take them out. Afterward he will probably chase you and Emmett with his cute little ponytails bouncing all over, enjoy it while you can.

The number two way is to take his gold shag rug and dye it neon yellow. The carpet not matching his room will cause him to go OCD (or CDO, in alphabetical order as it should be) about it and run around in little circles screaming before he comes to kill you.

And finally, the number one way is to let Alice take over his life. Have her send him to Japan to join a host club and have her spend all the money he save for Bella's tuition at the mall. When he gets back from Japan he will probably hunt you…and Alice down and kill you both, but it will be fun and you will have a lot of new and fancy clothes.

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Now you know how to anger the rare species called Edward Cullen. The next chapter will be on how to make Rosalie hate Emmett. It should be enjoyable.

Thanx to Rose Dawn for her help with this chapter. Check out her stories and please R&R!!


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